Layers of Truth
By Alan H. Baldwin
This article comes out of a deep
personal desire to offer some healing balm to the divide in the
Christian community and within modern culture concerning the essence
of homosexuality and same-sex attraction. I am saddened and angered
by the number of half-truths, ignorance, prejudice, and denial on
both sides of the current debate on gay marriage. I hope to present
a “middle way” that will offer some fresh insight and deeper
understanding beyond the rhetoric on both sides. This additional
level of truth will hopefully create a larger container of conscious
love and compassion for every individual who loves someone of the
same-sex and for those who are conflicted, for whatever
reason, with same-sex attraction and struggle with sexual
orientation. This discerned piece of truth I offer has emerged from
over twenty years of intense study, observation, and from my
personal struggle, prayer life, and acute listening to the truths in
my body.
This rhetoric contributed to my
internal suffering and confusion when I was in the pit of my
confusion, anxiety, and depression several years ago. It is only now
that I have been graced with the courage to speak out, and I hope to
have the clarity of thought to match the courage. It has been said by
many that one can only lead people spiritually and psychically when
one has walked the path already. I have walked this path. More
accurately, I have crawled on this path.
My struggle and confusion first began
in college, twenty plus years ago, when I first fell in love with a
woman. God then dropped the first hammer and floored me with very
powerful feelings of confusion, anxiety, and same-sex attraction. And
I became convinced that I was “gay.” Being young and blessed with
some energized gray matter, I began reading everything I
could—secretly. I became more confused, and subsequently depressed
when my girlfriend, on learning of my struggle, broke up with me.
After college, I chose to marry and
settle down with a nurturing, safe, woman to whom I was not physically
attracted. I plunged into the marriage armed with Scott Peck’s
classic The Road less Traveled and chose to do the hard
work of loving.
Seven years after the marriage began,
God lowered the boom again and I was pitched into new levels of pain,
confusion, and intense anxiety. I became convinced I had to settle
and work through my confusion about my sexuality once and for all. I
thought the answer was to “come out” and subsequently went on a date
with a man, told my friends and family I was gay and was determined to
get on with my life, whatever way God would lead me.
Determined to do God’s will, I then
made the big move and separated from my wife to explore my
sexuality. What I found next was surprising and wonderful. I
found myself powerfully attracted to women! I subsequently dated
a few women and, within six months of separating, fell in love. We
married within the year and I have spent the last eleven years working
through the remnants of my past confusion and integrating the
illusions, lies, and pains of my past. I am now blessed with two
wonderful daughters and a partner who has stuck with me through many
challenges.
Alan
is a part-time health educator and psychotherapist who lives and
works in Vermont with his wife and two daughters.
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